Best Funny Dirty Jokes You’ll Want To Tell Your Best Friends

If You Looking a best dirty jokes so, you come to a right place today am share a latest collection of most funny dirty Jokes you can enjoy a lots of fun, why dirty jokes peoples likes? because its too much meaning full our funny jokes dirty make a laugh create on mouth to be pain full so am very excited to share this thing to peoples make happy to see a jokes its my own collection to collect different platform to one place with a good ranking jokes. i hope you like a jokes of collection must to comment our suggestion about this am more added on the request base.

Short Nasty Jokes

  • Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.
  • Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
  • If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting?
  • What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
  • What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
  • What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
  • What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist? A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
  • What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say “Here, fill this out.”

Funny Dirty Jokes

  • The mother thinks for a while before deciding she ought to be honest with her daughter. She says, “Well honey, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and then they have sex.”
  • The daughter thinks for a moment and then seems to understand. Then she says, “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
  • One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the bedside lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.
  • The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”
  • The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
  • A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

Funny Sex Jokes

  • As he sits down at the bar a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.
  • The man looks up at the menu above the bar and sees that it says, “Hot dog $2, Cheese burger $5, Hand job $10”.
  • Doctor: “I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating.”Man: “Oh my God, doc! Why?!?”

    Doctor: “I’m trying to examine you.”

  • A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of Jagermeister.
  • The bartender says, “Oh, congratulations! But if you don’t mind me asking, why ten shots?”
  • He asks the waitress, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

Jokes For Adults

  • A mother is in the kitchen one day, preparing dinner for the family.
  • Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, unzipped his fly and they had a little fun, Jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a son!
  • Boy: Mom I got kicked out of class today for answering a teachers question Mom: How rude of your teacher, what did you say Boy: Well we were talking about Helen Keller and he asked the class if anyone knew what she looked like. So i said, No i dont and neither did she.
  • What do going down on an old lady and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.
  • Steven when he was in junior school.. teacher: who ever talks in class is a donkey. Steven: (laughs)your the donkey miss.. Steven when he is in high school. teacher :who ever talks in class will get f*cked up by a gay Steven: im a gay miss.;D
  • A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said cheeseburgers 3$ hotdogs 5$ and handjobs 10$ He goes to the bar and asks the lady “are you the one that gives handjobs” and she said yes, then he replied “well wash your hands I want a cheeseburger

Funny Boob Jokes And Puns

  • Things just haven’t been the same between me and my girlfriend since the breast reduction.I thought they were big, bouncy and sexy.

    She thought I looked like a woman.

  • When I come into some money I’m going to buy my wife a much bigger rack.She’s got far too many CDs.
  • An old married couple decide to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary by booking the suite where they had their honeymoon all those years ago.The first morning they have breakfast in bed and the wife says, “My dear, this is so romantic. My breasts feel all warm and tingly.”

    “I’m not surprised.” replies her husband, “One’s hanging in your coffee and the other’s lying on my bacon!”

  • A new study has revealed that women with big boobs are smarter than women with smaller boobs.Though to be fair, the guy who conducted the study admits he wasn’t really listening.
  • My wife was getting ready to go out last night when I said, “You can’t wear that, I can see your boobs under it.””So you can,” she said. “Do I need to wear a bra?”

    I said, “Yeah, either that or a longer dress.”

  • A tech company is developing computer chips that store music in women’s breast implants.A company spokesperson declared this is a major breakthrough, as women are always complaining about men staring at their boobs without listening to them.
  • A guy bets a full figured girl a dollar that he can make her boobs move without touching them.Since this doesn’t seem possible, the girl is intrigued and accepts the bet.

    So the guy steps up, cups his hands around her breasts and jiggles them up and down.

    With a baffled look, the girl says, “Hey, you touched my boobs.”

    The guy replies, “Yeah, I owe you a dollar.”

  • My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday.She wasn’t happy when I came back with a push up bra.
  • A woman suggests to her husband that she have surgery to make her breasts bigger.Her husband suggests she rub bathroom tissue between them instead.

    “How will that make my breasts bigger?” asks the woman.

    “I don’t have a clue,” replies her husband, “But it worked for your ass.”

dirty knock knock jokes

Funny Condom Jokes

  • This desperate guy rings 911 and says, “Come quickly, my son has swallowed a condom!”Five minutes later he rings back, “It’s ok, I’ve found another one.”
  • When I was in school, we got the facts of life talk from our Biology teacher and he showed us how to put on a condom.It was really embarrassing waiting for him to get hard.
  • Last Father’s Day my son said to me, “Dad, I’m sorry but I forgot to buy you anything for Father’s Day.”I said, “That’s ok son. You know, I forget things all the time too.”

    He said, “Really? Like what?”

    I said, “Like that time I forgot to wear a condom and ended up with an ungrateful little sod in my life.”

  • Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar.The first condom turns to the second and says, “Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?”
  • It’s the first time for me and my girlfriend but the condom has split and now we don’t know what to do.Should we seek medical advice immediately?

    Or should we wait until we clear customs with the drugs?

  • I went on a date last week and the girl I met invited me back to her place for coffee afterwards.As we walked into her flat, she ripped all her clothes off and pushed me onto the couch.

    As she pulled my trousers and boxer shorts down and swung her leg over me I said, “Before you stick that in there, aren’t you forgetting something?”

    “I’m on the pill so don’t worry about a condom.” she said.

    “I was talking about my coffee.” I replied.

  • A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I masturbated with them.”

    The next day the woman went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to him, “Have you ever done that?”

    He replied, “Yeah, a few times.”

    She said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”

    “Oh!” he said, “I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend.”

  • A young married couple had just finished having sex. The woman asked her husband, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”He took off his condom and tied a knot in it. Then he flushed it down the toilet and said, “Well, if he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”
  • This guy goes to the drug store with his young son. As they walk past the condom display, the boy notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?”The man doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.”

    The boy looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Why are there three in those packets?”

    The Dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”

    “Cool!” says the boy, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his Dad, “Then who are the packets of six for?”

    The Dad answers, “Those are for college men. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”

    “Wow!” said the boy, “Then who uses THESE?” as he picked up a twelve-pack.

    The Dad sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March …

  • These three rednecks were sitting around one day, comparing their wives to see who had the dumbest.The first redneck said, ‘My wife’s so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don’t even have running water.’

    The second said, ‘That’s nothing! Mine bought a ceiling fan, and we don’t even have electricity.’

    The third said, ‘Aw, that’s nothing! I was goin’ through my wife’s purse for some whisky money t’other night and found a box of condoms. And you know what? She ain’t even got a penis!’

  • One day when I was young kid, my Dad sat me down and showed me some pictures of why I should always make sure I wear a condom when having sex.The funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

Lesbian Jokes & Puns

  • Did you hear about the new lesbian shoe called Diké?It has an extra long tongue and you can get it off with one finger.
  • What’s the difference between a Wheat Thin and a lesbian?One’s a snack cracker and the other’s a crack snacker.
  • What do you call a lesbian with 100 semi-automatic rifles?Militia Etheridge.
  • Why are lesbians such bad carpenters?Because they don’t know how to handle wood.
  • My girlfriend and I bake our own edible sex toys.I love my new dildough.
  • Did you hear about the house built by two lesbians?It’s all tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
  • Straighteners aren’t worth the money.I’ve been using one for three weeks and I’m still a lesbian.
  • How can you tell when you’re in a tough lesbian bar?Even the pool table has no balls.
Dirty Jokes

Penis Jokes & Puns

  • A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman loses it and reaches over and slices off the mans penis, which she angrily tosses out the window.Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.

    All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

    Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “Daddy what in the heck was that?”

    Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”

    The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. “It sure had a big dick.”

  • A guy goes to the  store and buys a new computer.He takes it home and sets it up on his desk. Creating a master account, the computer asks him for his password.

    He enters the word penis.

    The computer responds, “Your password is not long enough.”

  • At an army training camp in Florida, the sergeant is giving a talk, “The main quality we look for in this army is commitment and now I’m going to demonstrate to you just commitment is.”At that point, an alligator came in the room and bit the sergeant’s penis. It stayed there with its jaws around his penis for about ten seconds before the sergeant poked it in the eyes and kicked it off.

    “Now who’s ready to show their commitment?” asked the sergeant.

    A man put his hand up and said “I will, but promise you won’t poke me in the eyes.”

  • A man was having problems with his penis which it must be said had certainly seen better times.So he went to see his doctor who, after a couple of tests, said, “I’m sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out; you only have 30 erections left.”

    The man walked home in a depressed state and told his wife what the doctor had said.

    She said, “Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn’t waste that. We should make a list!”

    The man replied, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

  • What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
  • A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in.A man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. He said, “Oh, I’m so sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your breast, you’ll forgive me.”

    The woman replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow then I’m staying in room 127.”

  • A woman gives birth to a baby and afterwards the doctor comes into the room and says, “I have something to tell you about your child.”The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, “Oh my gosh, what’s wrong with them?”

    The doctor says, “There’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just a little different! It’s a hermaphrodite.”

    The woman looks confused. “A hermaphrodite, what’s that?”

    The doctor replies, “It has both features of a male and a female.”

    The woman looks relieved. “What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?”

  • Why does a penis have a hole in the end?So men can be open minded.
  • This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

    Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

    I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

    Now I’m afraid to pee.

  • What do you get when you cross an owl and a rooster?A cock that stays up all night long.
  • Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they are born?To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Dirty Jokes

Dirty Yo Mama Jokes

  • Yo Mama so dirty she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.
  • Yo Momma so dirty her vagina’s in the NFL Hall Of Fame for greatest wide-receiver.
  • Yo Mama so dirty she’s like the Pillsbury dough boy… Everybody pokes her.
  • Yo Mama so dirty she’s like a bowling ball… She always ends up in the gutter.
  • Yo Mama so dirty she’s like a championship ring… Everyone puts a finger in her.
  • Yo Momma so dirty she’s like a NASCAR driver… She burns 50 rubbers a day.
  • Yo Momma so dirty she’s like the Suez Canal… Vessels full of seamen pass through every day.
  • Yo Mama so dirty her nickname’s SUV, because she’s big and there’s room for 6 construction workers inside.
Dirty Jokes

Dirty Thanksgiving Jokes

  • Wives are like Thanksgiving turkeys …They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.
  • A couple were driving home from Thanksgiving dinner at their friend’s house when they hit a skunk. The wife jumped out of the car and was relieved to find the skunk wounded but alive.She picked it up and took it back to the car saying to her husband, “We need to take it to a vet. It’s shivering; it must be cold, what should I do?”

    Her husband replied, “Put it between your legs to keep it warm.”

    “But it stinks!” she said.

    “So hold its nose!”

  • What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
  • One Thanksgiving, a man walks into his house with a turkey under his arm.He walks up to his wife with it and says, “This is the pig I’ve been having sex with.”

    His wife says, “That’s a turkey.”

    The man replies, “I wasn’t talking to you.”

  • Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work.

    And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, “One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!” But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

    Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey.

    Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so.

    A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom.

    She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn’t reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned.

    So she ran upstairs, and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost.

    He said, “You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”

Dirty Jokes

Dirty One Liners

  • Walruses are like Tupperware – they both like a tight seal.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
  • What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  • Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
  • One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
  • If 2 guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. Who gets out first, the guy on top or the guy on the bottom? The guy on the bottom cause he’s already got his shit packed.
  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  • You know you’ve got a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows.
  • A slut is someone who’ll have sex with anyone, a bitch is someone who’ll have sex with anyone except you.
  • I should have known it would never work out between me and my ex-girlfriend – after all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch.
  • Nice girls blush when they watch porn, good girls smile because they know they can do better.
  • Do you know the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball – a guy will actually take the time to look for a golf ball.
  • If you want to embarrass an archaeologist give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
  • The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.
  • If a fire-fighter’s business can go up in smoke, and a plumber’s business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?
  • Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man it’s $3.99 a minute?
  • There’s nothing worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face… apart from finding out that it was traced.
Dirty Jokes

Dirty Flirty Jokes

  • My dick just died, can I bury it in your vagina?
  • Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cause you have a pretty sweet ass!
  • Hey, have you met my friend Dick? He is real tall.
  • Has anyone ever told you your ass looks like a phone cause I want to hit the pound button all day long.
Dirty Jokes
Dirty Jokes

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